February 2017

In the blink of an eye, almost half the semester is gone. Today I put down my code and started typing out this post. I’ve lost a lot of my words, since I haven’t written anything in a long time. (I wrote a post over Chinese New Year in January, but I got halfway through, couldn’t keep going, and just deleted it.)

Even though the semester is only about halfway done, I’ve bombed every single class, which has me a bit down. Then again, everyone hits setbacks in life, so there’s still hope.

I left home in 2010 and I’ve been moving around ever since. It feels like in all these years I haven’t spent much time at home at all. Apart from summer and winter breaks, I’ve rarely been with my parents. A while ago I video-chatted with them, and I could clearly see how much older my dad has gotten. The year I left home, I was a rebellious kid who wanted to get away from his parents. Only now do I realize that back then was when I was happiest. At that age I didn’t have to think about so much. Now there’s so much weighing on me, the pressure of school and the pressure of building a family, that I really can’t think about anything else, and it leaves me gasping for air. Dreams? I can’t chase my own dream anymore. If I hadn’t come here back then, what would I be like now?

Lately my mindset has been really negative. I’m not suicidal or anything, and I’m not in some dark place I can’t climb out of. I just don’t want to go to school. These past few months have been exhausting. Now any mention of an exam or a test makes me flinch. Sometimes I can’t focus on anything, but I can’t sleep either, so I end up with insomnia. On Friday night, after I saw my score of 372, I felt awful, so I just went to bed without writing anything. I still remember my first semester in 2015. That was probably the easiest semester I’ve had in all my years in America.

I’m putting myself through all this to keep my own promises. I’m a man of my word. Any promise I made to you, I will keep, however hard it is. These years on this road are about keeping every promise I made to you. I hope, no, I will make them all come true.

I told you once: I told a lie, and then tried to cover it with another lie. But the hole kept getting bigger, so I stopped lying and set out on the road of keeping every promise.

I have a lot of thoughts tonight, and only a few of them can be written down. Most of what I feel stays inside and rarely gets said out loud. I have to carry the pressure myself, and I have to find my own way forward. Back in 2014, when I was at college in China, my whole dorm was playing video games while I alone stayed up all night writing code. I spent a week of all-nighters learning NodeJS. That’s when I realized you never know how much potential you have until you push yourself. So I pushed myself to come to America. Honestly, these three years have been exhausting. I don’t want to give up, and I don’t want to let my girlfriend and my parents down, so all I can do is keep going.

People around me have come and gone, one wave after another. The only one who has stayed with me and knows how I’ve gotten through these years is you, my beloved girlfriend.

I’m just venting. When I’m tired I’ll rest a bit, and then set off again.

Like the lyrics in Jonathan Lee’s song:

The decision I’ve already made
won’t be changed again
I know very well myself
that so much pain will start over in my heart
start over, start over, start over
Deciding is easy
but waiting is too hard
I’m afraid that if I wait
the little maturity and steadiness I’ve learned all these years
will be completely undone by you
completely undone by you, completely undone by you
Working is easy, making money is hard
Falling in love is easy, building a family is hard
Loving each other is easy, living together is hard
Deciding is easy, but waiting is hard

No matter what, I can keep going.