My Literary Side
Translated from Chinese by Claude. Read the original
So many thoughts I want to write down. The blog has been neglected for a long time, and most of the time it’s just complaints, endless complaints.
Tonight my babe was picking a fight with me, so I went along with it. Nothing I can do, it’s always like this. After fighting for so long, I’ve slowly stopped losing my temper, because only one person can be angry at a time. If both people get angry, there’s no way to keep the relationship going. Isn’t that how life is? When the rules hold you in place, all you can do is obey, not rebel. I’ve said this countless times and explained it in detail N times, but love is like this: no matter how much plain white rice you’ve eaten, you still have to keep eating your plain white rice to fill your stomach, and the same goes for love. Not a single day without worry. That’s life. You hope nobody bothers you while you live your life, but someone is meddling in everything you do. I’ve slowly gotten used to life not going my way. I’ve slowly come out of the low I hit during that period in Shanghai. Taking the TOEFL time after time, waiting through those days for yet another low score, that feeling of letdown, I’ve slowly gotten used to failing too. When success does show up, numb as I am, all I can do is smile and give life a “heh.”
Two Years
From the end of June 2011 to the end of June 2013, it’s been two years. I rarely talk to others about my private life. Like I wrote in an old journal entry, I buried myself and then dug myself back out. I don’t bring up the dark stuff from the past anymore. Even at the dinner table over drinks, I rarely tell anyone about my love life. My life now, the person who belongs to me now, now, later, in the future, until the end of the world, I’m very satisfied with all of it, so I don’t want anyone else to disturb it or meddle in it. Two years. If you got to know me again now, you’d find my personality has completely changed. A brand-new me would make you, who’s used to the old me, very uncomfortable. I’m not so bashful anymore. One is one, two is two. What I don’t like, I still don’t like. I’m not used to forcing things, but I follow the rules and obey orders. Sometimes, for my own sake, I’ll force a smile. Heh, that’s how society goes. You just go with the flow. In these two years, I’ve learned to find my own way around unfamiliar cities.
Love
In these two years I found true love, and it has lasted until today. That’s no accident. It was meant to be. I don’t want to say much about her and me. After all, it’s a secret in my heart, one I want to keep forever. You’ve never seen us fight, but it really does happen that often. Still, I have my own way of handling it. I’ve figured out your temper, but I can’t stop it from happening. Maybe that’s what love is.
School
Deep down I always tell myself that gold will always shine. Coming here was a choice I had no way out of. Even if I hate it, I have to learn to enjoy it. Maybe we got too much happiness before, and that’s why today we have to give more than others. With no temper left, I can only slowly learn to grieve inside, but I still keep forcing a smile. That’s what being a man is. What do you think? Right? High school: in 2010, during my second year, I took a leave of absence and stayed home. How many times did I go back while Class 8 was still around? Twice? Or three times? Slowly, up to today, I’ve found that it was probably always going to end up like this. A distance just formed between us, for good. Jin Yunheng, hope I didn’t get that wrong, Liu Ben, Cheng Xi, and others. Maybe I can still, after all these years away, I can still remember their names. That distance is always so far. A high school reunion once? Twice? Maybe we’re just not the same kind of people, and we can’t walk the same road. I didn’t keep in touch with you guys. I don’t know, if one day in the future I reach out to you, whether I’ll still be able to get you to come out. Every time I call you, I can feel that distance.
Middle School
Luckily I still have friends from middle school I can get in touch with, people I can still count on. Sometimes you’ll notice that I procrastinate. Sorry, I do. People who know me will understand. As long as you’re my friend, you’ll find that whatever you ask me to do, I’ll get it done carefully for you. Don’t worry, I won’t leave a friend hanging, you know what I mean, Hu Di, Fu Yu… One or two true friends are enough. You don’t need a ton of phone numbers. When you need me, I’ll give everything I’ve got. All that’s left from middle school are people I can make small talk with, chat with on QQ now and then, or don’t contact at all. What the teacher told us back then really came true. The ones I lost touch with, I haven’t contacted in 8 years.
Elementary School
Of the people from elementary school I’m still in touch with, the closest one is Xie Yi. We still run into each other at school now and then, but in a few more months I probably won’t see him anymore, haha. Then there’s Ding Ke. We saw each other a lot this Dragon Boat Festival. We were classmates, but I feel like we didn’t really know each other that well. Most of the time, it’s only after graduation that you realize how precious that bond is. We didn’t notice it before. Then there are my other elementary school classmates, Men Yun and Nie Bowen. My memories of you two are still stuck in elementary school. No need to say much more. Let my memories stay in elementary school. No matter what you’ve become today, in my eyes you still look like you did back then, and that’s how I’ll keep remembering you.
Coldness
If you’ve spent time around me, have you noticed how strange my personality is? Hot one moment and cold the next, that’s just how unpredictable I am. Sometimes when you ask me something, I’ll say nothing at all, and sometimes I’ll answer you warmly. That’s me. That’s how my personality was formed, just like yours has its own character. It might change in the future, but I don’t know whether it will change again. You may have asked where I went to school, or how I’m doing now. Deep down, I just don’t want to tell you. What I’ve learned these past few years comes down to two golden words: stay silent. Silence is the simplest answer. At the end of 2011, I remember the time I went to see a psychologist. Everyone has some kind of mental illness, they just don’t want to admit it. From that day on, I started to change myself. Think about it: when your own parents start doubting your dream, do you still have any reason to keep going? I’m also someone who gets scared after the fact, and my courage has slowly been worn away to nothing. If you’ve read this far, you may not be used to my writing style, but I’ve always written like this, and that hasn’t changed. I deleted all my old posts from my QQ Zone, so you can’t see how I used to write. I’ve changed a lot since then. Sigh, I’ve also gotten worse and worse. Consider this one of my lousy essays. Lastly, yesterday’s you and me, we’re doing just fine.