Who Understands My Pain? My Silence, My Own Loneliness

A long time ago I said I was sick of this society. A long time ago I said I liked someone. A long time ago I went after someone with actual actions. A long time ago… that’s all in the past. I feel like I should bring it up, or maybe there’s no need to anymore… Who understands my pain? I bear my pain myself. No need to tell other people. I carry my pain on my own; sharing it with others, it’s still pain. In the end all I can do is cry by myself, cry inside. My own pain is mine to work through. My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. My silence doesn’t mean I oppose you. My silence doesn’t mean I’ve given up. My silence, you can treat it as a fart… Who understands my pain? Who can know who is whose pain? Who can see who is hurting? Mystery! Shit! I admit I live in my own world, enjoying things alone, being happy alone, alone… No! I’m not alone. Oh! I’ve got a bunch of buddies. The tragic part is there are hardly any girls… I haven’t been happy for a year… I haven’t known what being truly happy feels like for a long time. What is real happiness? I’m so repressed. My worries, my unhappiness… I really need to go see a therapist. I don’t know why. What on earth could make me happy? My pain, where exactly does it hurt? The happy things… are gone. I know there’s a wound in my heart, but I don’t know how to mend it… Really, it hurts so much. Save me? Can you help me? When will days like this end? I don’t know. I stay holed up at home for a whole week at a time. I went to Shanghai once and wasn’t happy at all; it just left me with more regrets. I don’t know what to say… All I know is that I missed my time and my chance. It’s gone, really gone, everything’s gone… This isn’t a piece of literature, just how I really feel. My wound throbs. When will a wound of the heart heal? I haven’t laughed from the heart in a year… who can feel this? The pressure is too much… a whole year, and not one thing has made me truly laugh, made me happy. Nothing… repressed… so repressed… Where is my future headed… why is that all I think about every day… Still, the smile I usually wear isn’t fake, it isn’t a polite smile, it’s just a goofy grin… Is there anything I can look back on and relish talking about? No… I always think about my failures. I’ve failed so many times. Since ninth grade… I haven’t succeeded at anything… In high school a lot of what I did wasn’t recognized, and a lot of things only got solved by talking people around. I’m so tired… so tired… My pain, you don’t understand: silence and loneliness

PS: TOEFL on the 21st, not counting on it. No idea how things will go when school starts…