This Is Life

If you feel lonely, that’s right, it’s your chance to get to know yourself. If you feel misunderstood, that’s right, it’s your chance to see who your friends really are. If you feel surrounded by darkness, that’s right, it’s your chance to find the light. If you feel helpless, that’s right, it’s how you’ll find out who your true benefactors are. If you feel lost, that’s right: whose youth isn’t lost? I spent the whole day with a fever today. I didn’t take my temperature in the morning, but when I took it in the evening it was 38.5℃. I know I caught a chill on Sunday shooting the short film outdoors in nothing but a thin shirt, and so I came down with a fever. In the afternoon I was reading Liu Tong’s Whose Youth Isn’t Lost, and before I knew it I was in tears. There’s a line in it: when I don’t yet have the ability, all I can do is prove that I’m not afraid of hardship and that I dare to keep going. Because we’re young, we have no choice. So much has happened these past two days. I’m so, so tired, too tired to want to ask about or care about a lot of things anymore. Numbness is slowly filling up my inner world. I once gave myself a hard order. I once said I’d never leave myself a way out, and yet in the end I faced reality and chose the path I’m on now. Restlessness and impatience still show in me. My whole body aches. I’d love to think about happy things more and put my worries behind me. Today I dragged my big head around and spent the day in a daze. I didn’t want to take sick leave, just like my mom, who always works so hard. It hurts inside. I didn’t tell Mom about the fever today. I want to tough it out on my own. I’m afraid she’ll worry, and I’m afraid that if I call her I’ll start crying. All kinds of feelings are mixed up inside me. I’m not that optimistic a person, so I often worry about a lot, and of course I’ve lost a lot too. This is my life. Little by little, you’ll get better. I’ve taken my medicine, and I’m about to go to sleep.