Where Do I Go from Here?

In this moment of feeling lost, tonight, I put on my headphones and listened to music. On this Saturday night I closed every web page, stopped checking QQ messages, email and code, and started sorting out my thoughts.

Everyone has moments when they feel lost. The feeling lasts until the moment you find hope. I believe this post is the most orderly, most clearly structured thing I’ve written in half a year.

Back at school, I wrote those rambling posts bashing Chinese education. Thinking about it now, is Chinese education really what I care about? No. What I’m thinking about now is how to take my next step well.

I’m writing about myself for the buddies who care about me. I know some people do care, so this post is also an update on how I’ve been.

Right now QQ is flashing again, and I’m ignoring it. In the nearly half a year that’s passed, how many times have I watched QQ flash? In the nearly half a year that’s passed, how many characters have I typed? 551896, according to QQ Pinyin’s stats, and it’s still going up. Over these six months, who kept me company day and night? My laptop. Nobody but it. I have plenty of friends online, yet suddenly I realize how lonely I am. I want to get a hamster, but my parents won’t allow it. Looks like I’ll have to go my own way on this one, but money is a problem. Every month I have to renew several servers, plus my everyday expenses. How am I supposed to manage?

We moved about two years ago. A few days ago my mom told me that a girl from our old neighborhood, the daughter of one of my dad’s coworkers, has leukemia. I never imagined something like this could happen so close to me. She goes to No. 2 High School, she’s in my grade, and her grades are excellent. Fate is cruel and life is unpredictable. Is this what they call the world? I guess so, I think it is. Back in daycare she scratched my face with her fingernails, and I still have the scar……

The next day my grandma was hospitalized. She fell in the early morning and hurt her neck.

My mom says I need to exercise, because I’m a super homebody who’s always holed up at home and never wants to go out. She wants me to go to the gym. I don’t want to; I’ll deal with it later. I’ve been pretty stressed lately, and my chest hurts sometimes. Getting out when I have time would be good for me.

A few days ago, while dropping off a USB drive for a friend, I passed by the gate of my middle school. The Green Fast Food across from the school is gone; it’s a flower shop now. 4 years, time really flies. I still remember 4 years ago, staying after school to do the blackboard bulletin and eating at Green Fast Food. That time is gone, and just like that the people around me all went off to different schools.

The road outside our house still isn’t fixed. They said it would be done before the Tofu Culture Festival (on 9.15), but it still isn’t. It got delayed. Speaking of delays, my plan to study abroad has been delayed too. What does a one-year delay mean? That’s exactly why I feel lost. In this one year I’ve said I’ll finish building the ShowBLOG team, get over 90 on the TOEFL and over 2000 on the SAT. Grand goals, and I don’t know how to reach them. My English is really bad, and it worries me.

My laptop fan is humming away. I haven’t cleaned the dust out in ages; I’ve gotten lazy too. Every day I go to bed at 2 and get up at 10, watch Naruto every Thursday and Detective Conan every Saturday. That’s become my life, and there’s nothing else.

I don’t know what I do with my days. IM? Chatting? Yeah, that’s about it. And the websites, VPS maintenance? Hmm, and newbies asking me questions? I’m getting a bit fed up with that. First, some of it you could find on Google, yet you still ask me. Second, some of it I can’t solve, so it just eats up my time. So from now on, if you have a question, search first, then ask me, preferably by email.

I’ve turned a perfectly good personal indie blog into this mess. Sigh~ it hurts. My personal theme WhiteLove is starting to catch on, and I’m really happy about that, heh. I hope Qiaoqiao sees that last PS, haha. Honestly, I don’t even know who I’m still thinking about now…… Feeling this lost has my head spinning. How could I think about all that?

Watching movies has become my biggest joy. My mom has lots of movie tickets, so whenever I have nothing to do I go to the theater and catch a movie. It adds a little happiness to this dull life of mine.

At this point I’m finding it hard to keep writing. What else is there to say? Seeing Weiwei’s wedding-dress modeling photos gave me a feeling I can’t put into words. I liked her for 4 years, and I still miss her a little. My friends say she isn’t worth it. I say she is. At least I’m not a heartless person. I’m just a coward who can’t face reality and can only regret.

Three years ago, while I was studying for the high school entrance exam, every night on my way home from cram school I’d cross a pedestrian bridge. There was an old man there playing the erhu. He was blind and begging there. Every time I passed, I gave him all the change in my pocket. I just felt he was different from other beggars. He relied entirely on his own effort; his music was his work, and that’s why I gave him money. I really can’t stand beggars who kneel on the ground without moving. You’re not disabled, so why are you lying there playing dead? The day before yesterday, after visiting my grandma at the hospital, I passed that spot again and saw the old man, and I still emptied my pocket and gave him the money. I once thought about using what my websites earn for charity, but my means really are small, so I’ll leave that for later. When I see someone on the street who needs help, I can still go and help.

The ShowBLOG team is now fully assembled and has started development on the project. I hope everything goes smoothly from here. I’m treating this as a project for going abroad, and I want to do it well, so that it, this whole family of sites, can stand out among websites in China and around the world and become well-known. I’ll keep my feet on the ground and do it one step at a time. Wish me luck, everyone.

Delaying going abroad by a year puts a lot of pressure on me. I’ve said it before: when you’re all sophomores, I’ll just be a freshman. I don’t know how I’ll face my classmates at next year’s graduation photo. I don’t want to go, but that would be a regret, a regret for the rest of my life……

Lately I think I could read some poetry. Living on the internet, I’ve run a bit short of words, and I need books to fill myself back up. I’m a bit worn out by coding books where one is one and two is two. Reading something literary and sorting out my thoughts, how pleasant that would be.

I’ve been watching some videos lately, and I don’t think I need to have any objections to Chinese society. I live here, and I’m still a Chinese citizen. In the future I hope I can get Hong Kong citizenship and US citizenship (dual citizenship). The mainland doesn’t allow dual citizenship because of its national circumstances, so there’s nothing I can do to make the mainland change. I just need to change myself.

Changing myself is where I’m headed from now on. When things aren’t going my way, I’ll try changing myself: my position, my way of thinking, how I divide up my interests, and so on, and not worry about other people or the country.

Where do I go from here?

Write my own story down, read it back to myself, then make a plan from it, and I think my life will be perfect.

I’ve said it before: I want a perfect life. I need to taste all the “flavors” of life and “eat my fill,” heh. I hope I can face everything with a smile and keep going bravely.

I’m planning to quit IM or switch accounts and start a new journey. I’m going to put my old QQ number on hold for a while.

I forgot to mention, someone gave me a pair of couple QQ numbers, and I don’t know who to give the other one to. People in IT can’t find girlfriends, and I’ll say it, that’s right: I lack a sense of humor, I’m not good at talking to girls, I dodge and hide. Someone who can’t stand himself, how could he possibly…… The tragedy of being single buys you freedom, and you can be lazy about doing things, haha. That’s the part I like best.

My ears are getting tired from the headphones, and this post is about to end. 2000-some characters, not bad.

Where do I go from here?

What I want to say is, I walk my own path. Everyone else, let them talk. We’re not on the same path. No two people walk the same path; they can be similar, never identical.

Starting today I’m going to study my English books properly and memorize vocabulary. IM is wasting a bit of my time. I’m switching to a new account, which I’ve already announced, or just email me.

OK, that’s it for now. Where do I go from here? I walk my own path.